In the honor of my favorite holiday I am going to write a story with some religious background. It is a religious holiday isn’t it? This story takes place a few years back on a backtracking trip through Europe. During the last few weeks of the trip we were on our way through Italy and of course we had to stop in Rome, home of the holiest of holy places the Vatican.
After being in Rome for a day and realizing that despite all of the wonderful history we thoroughly hated the place we did what any good sandbagger would do, we got drunk. This night in particular started early as we did all of the tourist stuff in the morning. Myself and Ed picked up a few bottles of wine and sat around a fountain in the middle of the city and drank. It wasn’t long before we started a conversation with two girls who were drinking as well, I know what a coincidence. They seemed cool enough so we decided to invite them out to drink with us. They whole heartedly agreed and soon would realize how bad of a decision that was. Now every guy knows there are certain rules that go along with having guy friends. One of these sacred rules is that of the wingman. If you start hitting on a girl and she is with a girl who isn’t as cute, it is the duty of the friend you were with to hang out and distract the ugly one. Ed like to call this “holding the grenade,” still not sure why, I assume it has something to do with wanting to blow yourself up because the girl is that bad.
Well anyways, by a highly scientific process, ie who had gotten laid most recently, I was able to get the hot one while Ed had to play wingman. To be fair to the story neither girl was a knockout but thats what booze was for right. Knowing that Ed, and with all honesty myself, would need to be drunk to enjoy the rest of the night we came up with a great idea. I believe the conversation went like this:
Me: Well there are a bunch of bars on this street where do you want to go.
Ed: (With a look of hating life) I have an idea, do you girls like Jaeger?
Girls: Yeah
Ed: Why don’t we take Jaeger bombs in every bar down the street?
Girls: That sounds great.
To paint the picture we were on one of the main roads in Rome, there was literally atleast 10 bars on the block. Within the next hour and a half we proceeded to hit up all but one of these bars, they didn’t have Jaeger, and get pretty shitfaced. Having been doing this for over a month already Ed and I had a pretty good tolerance, the same could not be said of the girls. Words started being slurred, they were hanging all over us, and trying to make out. Ryan, obviously not drunk enough, saw a club as an easy way to get out of his duty. All he would have to do is get us in then he could ditch the girl on the dancefloor. Unfortunately I was wearing sandals so they wouldn’t let me in. So instead we found a bar on a sidestreet that had dancing in the back.
Ed headed right for the bar as I took the girls to the dance floor. By this point I was pretty drunk and the girl was looking cuter by the minute. As we drunkenly maneuvered around the floor it was obvious that the other girl who heretofore will be called “ugly” was bored and was not going to allow us to hang out without entertaining her. We headed back to the bar and proceeded to drink more with Ed. He was done with Ugly and told me that I had taken to long to seal the deal. We couldn’t take the girls home with us so I hoped they had a place we could go to. Unfortunately both were soooo drunk they had no idea where they were let alone where they were staying. So what would any guy do, take her on the dancefloor and see how far she would go there. After a few minutes of making out we began the heavy petting. At this point I went in for a nice french one when I tasted something on my tongue. Holy Shit!! Did this bitch just throw up while I was kissing her. I mean I have repulsed a lot of girls but not like this.
I ran her outside where she began to vomit vile green shit all over the street. I mean all over. I couldn’t help but think, I was just kissing THAT? It took all I could not to throw up myself. Ugly and Ed came out and brought here some water. Knowing that my shot with her was over, and not wanting the night to be a complete waste, I began hitting on Ugly. Don’t ask me why, I was drunk. Ed was just on the side laughing his ass off. Being totally repulsed by my audacity, and the fact that she had a boyfriend (don’t ask me how, poor guy), she wanted nothing to do with me.
Well Ed had had enough so we left the girls, had a few more shots, and headed to find a cab. Since it was already like 2 in the morning and we were going to the Vatican tomorrow anyways I came up with the great idea that we should just go there now, sleep in line, then we would be first to get in in the morning. Ed was drunk enough to agree to this and we headed to the Vatican. Once there, and completely drunk at this point, I had the brilliant idea to jump the Vatican fence in order to take some pictures. About 2 minutes after jumping the fence I heard Ed yelling at me. Evidently the Swiss Guard had noticed me and were coming to get me. I have been told since then that the Swiss Guard is the most lethal force on the planet, thank god I didn’t know this at the time or I might have pissed myself. They were dressed in sissy looking outfits so I didn’t take them seriously. They began to yell at me in Italian and I couldn’t understand anything they were saying. I climbed back over the fence and played the stupid American card while constantly holding up my camera saying “picture, picture”. How I got out of there without being arrested I have no idea.
Ed, for obvious reasons, was laughing his ass of telling me how much of an idiot I was. We headed towards what we thought was the direction of the main entrance. Now if you haven’t been there Vatican City is surrounded by a huge wall. Being drunk, and not seeing any signs we continued walking along this wall for what seemed like eternity. The next thing I know I look over and Ed is laying in the middle of the street doing snow angles and rambling incoherently about the cosmos. I decide I need to pee and proceed to piss on the Vatican wall, yes the Vatican wall. I turn back and try to understand what he is saying, realizing the hilarity that is in front of me I turn on the camera and start recording his drunken stupor. If I can get the video on this site then I will. The last thing I remember is slapping Ed and us having a shouting match in the middle of the street. He ended up leaving, how he got home I have no idea, and I headed to the entrance.
I woke up with a crowd already behind me and a smile on my face. I did it, I was first in line. Everyone behind me had name tags and I couldn’t find out why. About 20 minutes later the doors open and I walked in. “What group are you with sir?” Umm, I am by myself I responded. “Well sir, that is the group line, if your not with a group you have to wait in the regular line.” In my drunken state I had fell asleep in the front of the group line like an idiot. I had to go to the back of the regular line, which was already a 2 hour wait, and wait there. The poor people all around, I was still drunk, smelled like shit, was sweating booze, and was making all kinds of strange noises as my body felt like shit. Somehow I made it through and it really is beautiful. However, after that night I have no desire to go to Rome, or Vatican City ever again.
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