In honor of the day after a major drinking holiday, and hopefully a few random drunken hookups, I have put together some of my favorite drunken hookup stories my friends have past on. Here it goes:
So my friend, we will call him the Butcher, used to go to his mom’s house for the summer to work. His parents were divorced so he would stay with his dad during the school year then with her over the summer. She worked in a prestigious restaurant in the wine country of northern California so he would work there and make bank. This story takes place one summer when he was 16.
Like any restaurant this one had a good social network. Being that he was only there for the summer butcher drew even more attention from the women working there. And of course his mom said nothing but good things about him. Butcher is a good looking guy and can pull his fair share of women, his game is lacking a little bit but you can’t have everything right. So one night that summer one of the girls working there, and 18 year old we will call Lambchop, invited him to a party. He of course agreed to go as he didn’t know a lot of people there and wanted something to do. That a girl invited him was also another plus.
As he got to the party it was clear that the girl was getting drunk, so as a naive 16 year old he decided to get wasted too. A few hours and a lot of drinks later and they were both plastered. Some making out ensued and pretty soon she was inviting him back to her place. Seeing that neither of them can drive she had her friend drive them home. On the way Lambchop whispered in his ears that she was a virgin and she wanted to have sex with him. Being drun, and a virgin himself, Butcher couldn’t help but be ecstatic. Getting his consent Lambchop asked the driver to stop by a store and pick up some condoms for her.
Getting back to her place excitement filled his body, this might actually happen. The girl proceeds to light some candles and turns on Marvin Gaye’s “Lets get it on.” Seriously I couldn’t make this up if I tried, the fucken girl turns on Lets Get it On, hilarious. I honestly don’t know if I could even do it after that, I would be laughing too hard. However, my friend is more of a man then me. After the beginning awkwardness they started fucking like rabbits. Being a male, and completely wasted, he couldn’t get off for the life of him. For the female readers when drunk a male can barely feel his penis. After a few hours he finally gets off. Ready to lay down in relaxation and exhaustion he looks down at his dick. To his dismay, and utter horror, his dick and surrounding areas are covered in blood. Not only did he pop this chicks cherry, she was on her period. Seriously, if he parents came in they would have thought he butchered the poor girl. My friend was so traumatized that when the girl invited him over the next weekend he couldn’t even get it up. Poor guy.
My second story comes from a friend of mine in college, we will call him Tinkle. Tinkle was a few years older then me and was known as the ultimate party/ladies man. He lived with 4 other friends of ours and they always had parties at their place. On night during the summer between school years they had a pretty big party. Over summer it was well known that high school kids would show up at parties because they had nothing else to do. This night was no exception. I enjoyed getting them way to drunk, Tinkle enjoyed hitting on the girls. This one was all over him as soon as she walked in the door. So you understand Tinkle likes to play hard to get right up until the point that he is hammered and then he well practically molest the girl, not in a bad way though.
Not knowing that the girl was underage he proceeds to play his normal game with her. But as the night went on he got completely belligerent and began to make out with her. Conveniently his room was in the house so they ended up there. He began to close the deal when she told him she was only 17, but her birthday was a week away. Not wanting to have sex with her Tinkle passed out with her in his arms.
The next morning he woke up with a wetness down his legs. The fool had passed out so drunk he had pissed himself and got it all over the girl we was laying next to him. Luckily she was too drunk to realize it. He quickly jumped up and got in the shower, maybe she would think she did it he thought. As he got in the shower she came in the bathroom with him. Realizing she had pee on her her face was horrified, “I’m so sorry, this has never happened before I swear.” The poor girl thought she peed herself. Doing what any guy would didn’t want to have sex with a minor would do Tinkle let her give him a handjob in the shower to show how sorry he was. Worse the girls phone was broken because of the amount of liquid so she couldn’t even call to get a ride home and had to walk, with piss drenched clothes. Talk about a walk of shame. Even better she called him on her 18th birthday and they hooked up.
My last story takes place in San Francisco with my friend, call him Drunky. Drunky was out in the city with his friend and two girls. The two guys, and one of the girls, had been drinking together all day. By 5pm all 3 of them were hammered. The other girl was meeting up with them after work around 630. The other three grabbed some dinner then headed to a bar to wait for the last girl. Drunky had never met the last girl before, we will call her Mrs. SexAlot. All he had been told from her friend, the other girl, was that she would sleep with him, a comment Drunky took as a joke.
As Mrs. SexAlot walked into the var Drunky was instantly happy with what she saw. Her face took a little to be desired but she had a killer ass and set of tits. She was from Brazil so she also had a sexy accent. They began talking and were both soon really drunk and all over each other. The other couple was tired and wanted to go home but Drunky and SexAlot decided to go out dancing. Drunky at this point would do about anything to get in her pants, like it would take much. They proceeded to bar hop around town and SexAlot danced like a stripper with every guy she met all through San Francisco. Drunky didn’t care, she kept whispering in his ear that it was all for him.
They finally took a cab home, or I should say to the other girls house where the other couple was sleeping because SexAlot couldn’t go to her place that night. She began to give Drunky a handjob in the back of the cab and tried to give him a blowjob. They finally got to the apartment where they were to sleep in the living room. As soon as they got inside they were all over each other. Soon his clothes were off and he was fucking here in her dress. Being as they both were drunk they began to tear up the room, pillows were flying, furniture was being slammed around, and surely everyone else in the house was woken up.
They finished the first round and SexAlot checked her phone for voicemails. She had a mesage saying that he uncle had died and instantly began crying. Druny did all he could do to calm her down and soon they were fucking again. This time even harder then before. By now it was about 4 in the morning and drunky was spent. He finally came and then rolled over and passed out. A few minutes later he was woken up by SexAlot crying again and hitting him with pillows. She was soon screaming at him and finally her friend came out to see what was going on. To set up the scene the room was about 15 x 20 with a couple of couches and a tv. All of the pillows were thrown around the room, the couches were out of place, and a set of blinds was broken. And here was her friend crying butt naked and hitting a guy she barely knew who was also butt naked. Seriously, what do you do in that situation. She soon realized her friend was crazy and was going off about her dead uncle. It later turns out all of the dead uncle stuff was made up by the girl. The friend then kicks the girl out of the house to find a cab home at 5 in the morning. Only my friends…
A ‘major drinking holiday’ is any day of the week ending with ‘Y’. Sandbagger!