My Funniest Story (according to my friends)

I will preface this story by stating that I don’t think it is my funniest story. However, every time it is told by one of my friends it is sure to elicit laughter from all who hear. I have a few theories on that but I will leave that to you to decide. This took place a few month ago during a trip to San Francisco, I hope it was as fun to live as it will be to read.

My longtime friend Lightweight was living in San Francisco and I had made plans to go up and visit him. I was flying up for a week and then I was flying up my sister and her boyfriend to stay with us for the weekend. My sister had just turned 22 and she had wanted to go wine tasting. Lightweights mom lived up by Napa so we made plans to go out there for a couple days over the weekend. Now Lightweight and I had been partying all week so when my sister showed up Friday night we were almost partied out, almost.

We took it pretty easy Friday night and got on the road  to head to wine countr early on Saturday. Lightweight’s mom lived in a small city called Healdsburg and it was about an hour and a half drive from the city. The weather was beautiful and we couldn’t wait to start wine tasting. After a few stops we got to his mom’s house and she gave us the locals guide to the wineries. Lightweight had to go to a family dinner later that night so he volunteered to drive the car for us.

I will summarize the next 3-4 hours as they well let you know what kind of state we were in but don’t really add to the story. Drive…stop at winery…drink free wine list…drink a paid for wine list…maybe buy a bottle of wine…drive to next winery…continue. If you have never been to Healdsburg, or Napa for that matter, it is beautiful country. Lightweight had to be back for dinner at 5 so he dropped us off in downtown Healdsburg. At this point the three of us were all pretty hammered. My sister gets this glassed over look on her face when she was drunk and calls everyone “Honey Bunny” which is freakin hilarious in the moment. Not wanting to stop drinking we stop at a few more tasting rooms downtown then go to dinner where we polish off another two bottles.

By the time we finish dinner it was around 8 at night I had sobered up a bit and Lightweight was on his was to pick us up. I ran across the street to a bar to take a shot of Jaeger and have a beer to get my buzz back before he picked us up. Wanting to drink with us Lightweight thought we should drive back to his mom’s house and then walk back to the bars together. We jumped in and headed back to his mom’s place where we downed a few Ketel on the rocks. This would turn out to be one of the last moments I remembered.

The rest of the story is totally drawn from the three witnesses as I have no recollection of any of it. A few things come back when I tried to remember the next day but for the most part I was completely blacked out. None of this has been embellished.

We headed to the closest bar so that Lightweight could catch up on our drunken stupor. Here I continued to drink Ketel until I was eventually cut off by the bartender. Not understanding why I am being cut of, and the bartender not being able to understand me, we got into a heated exchange. Soon all of the cooks in the back were coming out to kick me out of the bar. I am still yelling when Lightweight tries to explain to the bartender that he can get me to leave. His mom being from the town he knows most of the locals and this worked to his advantage. The cooks back off and they finally convince me to leave.

At this point I am both belligerent and pissed. We begin walking to the next bar and I am shouting and trying to run back to the bar, evidently to tell off the bartender who thought it was a bad idea to serve my drunken ass. Lightweight keeps trying to hold on to me so that I wont run away but I continue to squirm and try to run away. Being drunk I can’t run straight and Lightweight soon catches up to me. The group soon decides they should just take me home and we change direction. Sensing what is going on I make a quick evasive move and start running down the street. Let me explain what I mean by running. The best way I have heard it described is if a retard placed Forest Gump during the scene where he runs out of his “special shoes.” My arms were flailing, legs swinging, totally out of control, until….Smack!

I have been told that I laid on the ground for a good 5 minutes without moving. When lightweight finally got me up all I could utter was a drunken, “my head hurts.” The side of my face was cut and scraped and I had a huge gash on my chin that was spouting out blood profusely. When my sister finally got there she started bawling seeing all of the blood. They hurriedly tried to get me back to the house. On the way back there was a restaurant we passed that was still open. I walked over to the window to check out the wound and proceeded to ask the patron if I was bleeding. Obviously grossed out they assured me that I was.

We finally got back to his mom’s place and we started to try to clean up the cut with the first aid kit. The consensus was that the cut was really deep and I needed stitches. Being a drunken idiot I didn’t want to go, even though I couldn’t even stop the bleeding. They came up with the great idea of convincing me that we were going to another bar as a way of getting me into the car. Pulling into the emergency room parking lot I opened the door and peered out. It took a few seconds but I soon realized where we were, “Ohhhh Noooo,” I exclaimed to the group and tried to get back into the car. The two guys grabbed my arms and started dragging me to the door. I played the dead weight card to protest such actions.

They finally got me to the nurse, who bless her soul put up with me through the rest of this.  I had to sign a consent form in order to go in and get stitches and for some reason I was vehemently against doing so. After a prolonged argument with the nurse Lightweight tried to convince me of why I should sign.

M e: But dude I don’t want to be operated on.

Him: They wont operate on you, it’s only stitched.

Me: Read the form, they can operate on me.

Thinking that there was no way I read the form Lightweight reads through it. Sure enough it says that you give permission to operate if it is deemed necessary.

Him: Shit!

At this point the nurse was on her final straw. I just stood there singing the Modest Mouse song “The Good Times Are Killing Me” mixing in Peter Bourne and Jon’s “Amsterdam. Both great songs by the way. Every time I sang the modest mouse chorus, with my face dripping blood, Lightweight couldn’t help but laugh. At this point I guess I was bored so I decided to run into the hospital. I ended up in a medium sized conference room where I proceeded to sit down at the head of the table and proclaim:

“Hi my name is (    ), and I am an Alcoholic.”

I spent the next 15 minutes having an AA meeting with myself, all while the three others stood at the door busting up. Soon the nurse threatened to call the cops so Lightweight, giving up on the whole hospital thing, took us home.  As we pulled up to his mom’s place I was convinced they were trying to trick me again so I wouldn’t leave the car. Being that they all were sick of me by this point they left me in the car to sleep. I woke up the next morning wondering, “What the fuck happened to my face?” …

Ode to UC Irvine

On the eve of the NCAA tournament I decided to write about on of my favorite college experiences. My best friend decided to attend UC Irvine, we will call him Lightweight from here on. This story takes place during freshman year of college during my first roadtrip down to visit him.

A little background for those who are unfamiliar with UCI. The school is located about 1 hour south of LA. The student body consist of roughly 60-65% Asians and less then 5% whites. My friend was one of two white kids in his entire dorm. And this was coming from a mostly white hometown where all but one of his friends were white. To make matters worse almost all of these students went home every weekend because their parents lived close by and wanted them home. This left lightweight alone a lot It is under these circumstances that this story takes place.

We had been in college for a few months and had been dieing to see each other. He kept telling me how bored he was and I couldn’t believe it because I was having such a blast at college, I mean my true alcoholic tendencies were coming out. We planned on a weekend and I was really excited to go down, minus the 5 hour drive. Being a business major I didn’t have class on Fridays so I drove down Friday morning to miss traffic. Lightweight had asked me to grab some booze since no one he knew could buy any. Wanting to show them a good time I had my friend pick up a 30 pack and a handle of rum. At this point in my life I was addicted to rum and cokes, heaven.

I arrived right after his last class and we did some lunch and he showed me around the campus. Getting to his dorm I couldn’t help but feel out of place, we were literally the only white people. I finally realized, on the smallest level, what it feels like to be a minority. Everyone in the dorm seemed cool, although they were all really shy. Except for the gay guy, this was the first gay Asian I had ever met, who was freakin hilarious. His roommate was there as we got to his room. This guy was a piece of work. All of 5 foot nothing, with an obvious short man syndrome, he thought he was the man. I had to bite my tongue as I noticed his huge Mariah Carey posters on the wall. I mean this was back in 2002 but still, fuckin Mariah Carey, and you call yourself a man. The only reason you have gay pop singers pictures in your room is if you are using them to jack off. Anyways this young chap had the ambition to be president of the young democrats and bless his heart. Too bad he complained about everything and had a whiny voice. Even better the dorm had communal bathrooms and he wouldn’t let anyone else even enter the bathroom while he was showering. If thats not bad enough he would belt out Mariah Carey at the top of his lungs in the shower. From that point on his name was Little Bitchard.

The only other white kid in the dorm was a kid we will name Newbie and him and Lightweight were already friends. We all decided to hang out in his room that night and drink with some of the other people on the floor while Little Bitchard was gone for the weekend. To set up the situation only myself and Lightweight had ever drank before, and Lightweight hadn’t drank since he started college. Also, none of the Asians weighted more then 120 pounds, even the guys.

I poured a few rum and cokes making sure to make all of theirs extra weak, especially the girls. We started playing a few of my favorite drinking games: high-low-red-black, up the river, kings, etc. It was soon clear that everyone less me, Lightweight, and Newbie was completely hammered. I was later told they all puked either that night or the next morning. They all had a blast though and we were laughing our asses off. The three of us still wanted to party and weren’t even close to being tired. I noticed a skateboard against the wall and a brilliant idea came to mind.

Let me get this straight, I cannot by any means skateboard, not even sober. At UCI the inner part of campus was a park area surrounded by a paved walkway all the way around campus. Now parts of the walkway were smooth but most were of the gravely nature. Being drunk and wanting to have some fun I thought we should go and skate around a bit, for some reason I always wanted to skate when I was drunk and it never turned out pretty. Lightweight went first because he was the only one who knew how to skate. We followed after him drinking our beers.

We came to a particularly hilly stretch and I couldn’t help but want to accept the challenge. Pushing Lightweight off of the board I jumped on and tried to make it down the hill. Not even 5 second into it…CRASH!! Right onto the asphalt scraping up my arm and knee. No under any other instance this would have been enough, but I was drunk and this was a challenge. I figured that my problem was gaining speed so my brilliant idea was to have the two of the push me so I wouldn’t loose balance trying to kick. 1…2…3 and I went flying down the hill, this time I was able to make it to the bottom which posed another problem. How the hell do I stop? The road make a bend up ahead and I went straight into the grass, fell on my ass, and rolled a good 10 feet.

These highjinks went on for a good half hour as me and Newbie got more scrapes and bruises and Lightweight lost 10 pounds laughing at us. We skated around to a part of campus that had a bridge that linked center campus to various retail shops over the road. Lining the entrance to the bridge were several rose bushes and ferns. Logically I knew there was only one thing to do, push ourselves into them on the skateboard and make snow angels in the bushes. To give you a visual the bushes were about 4 ft tall, so once the board got to the bush you would have to jump off it, twist in the air, and land on your back. As you sunk down into the bush you were to flail your arms as if you were making a snow angel. To get to the bush we had one guy standing on each side of the skater pushing them in the back to gain speed before they jumped.

There are few moments of stupidity that I didn’t have a camera around to capture and this was one of them. I regret it to this day, that was some of the funniest shit I have ever seen. Maybe not so much the falling into the bush, but the trying to climb your way back out of it. We were seriously tore up the next day. Well after doing this on multiple occasions and laughing our asses of the predictable happened, a security guard showed up. Newbie and lightweight took off with the skateboard over the bridge while I jumped behind a bush to hide. Peeking over I saw the guard coming towards me so I took off running.

Being super drunk I was fully convinced this man was running after me and was sure he was going to call the cops. Having never been to this campus before I was completely lost and confused. I kept dodging behind building and looking around for the chasing guard. I was later told that the guard had never followed me, nevertheless I ran around like an escaped convict for 30 minutes. Not knowing how far I was away, and being exhausted from running, I decided to steal a bike and ride it back. I rode back to the bridge to find Lightweight and Newbie sitting there. They didn’t know where I went and were laughing there asses off when they saw me biking up to them sweating. We make it back to the dorm and passed out.

The rest of the weekend was pretty uneventful. Walking by the bushed the next day almost brought tears of laughter to our eyes, again I wish I had a camera. The best part of the weekend, my stolen bike had make the campus police report. Needless to say Newbie and Lightweight looked forward to the rest if my visits…

If you are too drunk to remember, it never really happened…

In honor of the day after a major drinking holiday, and hopefully a few random drunken hookups, I have put together some of my favorite drunken hookup stories my friends have past on. Here it goes:

So my friend, we will call him the Butcher, used to go to his mom’s house for the summer to work. His parents were divorced so he would stay with his dad during the school year then with her over the summer. She worked in a prestigious restaurant in the wine country of northern California so he would work there and make bank. This story takes place one summer when he was 16.

Like any restaurant this one had a good social network. Being that he was only there for the summer butcher drew even more attention from the women working there. And of course his mom said nothing but good things about him. Butcher is a good looking guy and can pull his fair share of women, his game is lacking a little bit but you can’t have everything right.  So one night that summer one of the girls working there, and 18 year old we will call Lambchop, invited him to a party. He of course agreed to go as he didn’t know a lot of people there and wanted something to do. That a girl invited him was also another plus.

As he got to the party it was clear that the girl was getting drunk, so as a naive 16 year old he decided to get wasted too. A few hours and a lot of drinks later and they were both plastered. Some making out ensued and pretty soon she was inviting him back to her place. Seeing that neither of them can drive she had her friend drive them home. On the way Lambchop whispered in his ears that she was a virgin and she wanted to have sex with him. Being drun, and a virgin himself, Butcher couldn’t help but be ecstatic. Getting his consent Lambchop asked the driver to stop by a store and pick up some condoms for her.

Getting back to her place excitement filled his body, this might actually happen. The girl proceeds to light some candles and turns on Marvin Gaye’s “Lets get it on.” Seriously I couldn’t make this up if I tried, the fucken girl turns on Lets Get it On, hilarious. I honestly don’t know if I could even do it after that, I would be laughing too hard. However, my friend is more of a man then me. After the beginning awkwardness they started fucking like rabbits. Being a male, and completely wasted,  he couldn’t get off for the life of him. For the female readers when drunk a male can barely feel his penis. After a few hours he finally gets off. Ready to lay down in relaxation and exhaustion he looks down at his dick. To his dismay, and utter horror, his dick and surrounding areas are covered in blood. Not only did he pop this chicks cherry, she was on her period. Seriously, if he parents came in they would have thought he butchered the poor girl. My friend was so traumatized that when the girl invited him over the next weekend he couldn’t even get it up. Poor guy.

My second story comes from a friend of mine in college, we will call him Tinkle. Tinkle was a few years older then me and was known as the ultimate party/ladies man. He lived with 4 other friends of ours and they always had parties at their place. On night during the summer between school years they had a pretty big party. Over summer it was well known that high school kids would show up at parties because they had nothing else to do. This night was no exception. I enjoyed getting them way to drunk, Tinkle enjoyed hitting on the girls. This one was all over him as soon as she walked in the door. So you understand Tinkle likes to play hard to get right up until the point that he is hammered and then he well practically molest the girl, not in a bad way though.

Not knowing that the girl was underage he proceeds to play his normal game with her. But as the night went on he got completely belligerent and began to make out with her. Conveniently his room was in the house so they ended up there. He began to close the deal when she told him she was only 17, but her birthday was a week away. Not wanting to have sex with her Tinkle passed out with her in his arms.

The next morning he woke up with a wetness down his legs. The fool had passed out so drunk he had pissed himself and got it all over the girl we was laying next to him. Luckily she was too drunk to realize it. He quickly jumped up and got in the shower, maybe she would think she did it he thought. As he got in the shower she came in the bathroom with him. Realizing she had pee on her her face was horrified, “I’m so sorry, this has never happened before I swear.” The poor girl thought she peed herself. Doing what any guy would didn’t want to have sex with a minor would do Tinkle let her give him a handjob in the shower to show how sorry he was. Worse the girls phone was broken because of the amount of liquid so she couldn’t even call to get a ride home and had to walk, with piss drenched clothes. Talk about a walk of shame. Even better she called him on her 18th birthday and they hooked up.

My last story takes place in San Francisco with my friend, call him Drunky. Drunky was out in the city with his friend and two girls. The two guys, and one of the girls, had been drinking together all day. By 5pm all 3 of them were hammered. The other girl was meeting up with them after work around 630. The other three grabbed some dinner then headed to a bar to wait for the last girl. Drunky had never met the last girl before, we will call her Mrs. SexAlot. All he had been told from her friend, the other girl, was that she would sleep with him, a comment Drunky took as a joke.

As Mrs. SexAlot walked into the var Drunky was instantly happy with what she saw. Her face took a little to be desired but she had a killer ass and set of tits. She was from Brazil so she also had a sexy accent. They began talking and were both soon really drunk and all over each other. The other couple was tired and wanted to go home but Drunky and SexAlot decided to go out dancing. Drunky at this point would do about anything to get in her pants, like it would take much. They proceeded to bar hop around town and SexAlot danced like a stripper with every guy she met all through San Francisco. Drunky didn’t care, she kept whispering in his ear that it was all for him.

They finally took a cab home, or I should say to the other girls house where the other couple was sleeping because SexAlot couldn’t go to her place that night. She began to give Drunky a handjob in the back of the cab and tried to give him a blowjob. They finally got to the apartment where they were to sleep in the living room. As soon as they got inside they were all over each other. Soon his clothes were off and he was fucking here in her dress. Being as they both were drunk they began to tear up the room, pillows were flying, furniture was being slammed around, and surely everyone else in the house was woken up.

They finished the first round and SexAlot checked her phone for voicemails. She had a mesage saying that he uncle had died and instantly began crying. Druny did all he could do to calm her down and soon they were fucking again. This time even harder then before. By now it was about 4 in the morning and drunky was spent. He finally came and then rolled over and passed out. A few minutes later he was woken up by SexAlot crying again and hitting him with pillows. She was soon screaming at him and finally her friend came out to see what was going on. To set up the scene the room was about 15 x 20 with a couple of couches and a tv. All of the pillows were thrown around the room, the couches were out of place, and a set of blinds was broken. And here was her friend crying butt naked and hitting a guy she barely knew who was also butt naked. Seriously, what do you do in that situation. She soon realized her friend was crazy and was going off about her dead uncle. It later turns out all of the dead uncle stuff was made up by the girl. The friend then kicks the girl out of the house to find a cab home at 5 in the morning. Only my friends…

Happy St. Patricks Day

In the honor of my favorite holiday I am going to write a story with some religious background. It is a religious holiday isn’t it? This story takes place a few years back on a backtracking trip through Europe. During the last few weeks of the trip we were on our way through Italy and of course we had to stop in Rome, home of the holiest of holy places the Vatican.

After being in Rome for a day and realizing that despite all of the wonderful history we thoroughly hated the place we did what any good sandbagger would do, we got drunk. This night in particular started early as we did all of the tourist stuff in the morning. Myself and Ed picked up a few bottles of wine and sat around a fountain in the middle of the city and drank. It wasn’t long before we started a conversation with two girls who were drinking as well, I know what a coincidence. They seemed cool enough so we decided to invite them out to drink with us. They whole heartedly agreed and soon would realize how bad of a decision that was. Now every guy knows there are certain rules that go along with having guy friends. One of these sacred rules is that of the wingman. If you start hitting on a girl and she is with a girl who isn’t as cute, it is the duty of the friend you were with to hang out and distract the ugly one. Ed like to call this “holding the grenade,” still not sure why, I assume it has something to do with wanting to blow yourself up because the girl is that bad.

Well anyways, by a highly scientific process, ie who had gotten laid most recently, I was able to get the hot one while Ed had to play wingman. To be fair to the story neither girl was a knockout but thats what booze was for right. Knowing that Ed, and with all honesty myself, would need to be drunk to enjoy the rest of the night we came up with a great idea. I believe the conversation went like this:

Me: Well there are a bunch of bars on this street where do you want to go.

Ed: (With a look of hating life) I have an idea, do you girls like Jaeger?

Girls: Yeah

Ed: Why don’t we take Jaeger bombs in every bar down the street?

Girls: That sounds great.

To paint the picture we were on one of the main roads in Rome, there was literally atleast 10 bars on the block. Within the next hour and a half we proceeded to hit up all but one of these bars, they didn’t have Jaeger, and get pretty shitfaced. Having been doing this for over a month already Ed and I had a pretty good tolerance, the same could not be said of the girls. Words started being slurred, they were hanging all over us, and trying to make out. Ryan, obviously not drunk enough, saw a club as an easy way to get out of his duty. All he would have to do is get us in then he could ditch the girl on the dancefloor. Unfortunately I was wearing sandals so they wouldn’t let me in. So instead we found a bar on a sidestreet that had dancing in the back.

Ed headed right for the bar as I took the girls to the dance floor. By this point I was pretty drunk and the girl was looking cuter by the minute. As we drunkenly maneuvered around the floor it was obvious that the other girl who heretofore will be called “ugly” was bored and was not going to allow us to hang out without entertaining her. We headed back to the bar and proceeded to drink more with Ed. He was done with Ugly and told me that I had taken to long to seal the deal. We couldn’t take the girls home with us so I hoped they had a place we could go to. Unfortunately both were soooo drunk they had no idea where they were let alone where they were staying. So what would any guy do, take her on the dancefloor and see how far she would go there. After a few minutes of making out we began the heavy petting. At this point I went in for a nice french one when I tasted something on my tongue. Holy Shit!! Did this bitch just throw up while I was kissing her. I mean I have repulsed a lot of girls but not like this.

I ran her outside where she began to vomit vile green shit all over the street. I mean all over. I couldn’t help but think, I was just kissing THAT? It took all I could not to throw up myself. Ugly and Ed came out and brought here some water. Knowing that my shot with her was over, and not wanting the night to be a complete waste, I began hitting on Ugly. Don’t ask me why, I was drunk. Ed was just on the side laughing his ass off. Being totally repulsed by my audacity, and the fact that she had a boyfriend (don’t ask me how, poor guy), she wanted nothing to do with me.

Well Ed had had enough so we left the girls, had a few more shots, and headed to find a cab. Since it was already like 2 in the morning and we were going to the Vatican tomorrow anyways I came up with the great idea that we should just go there now, sleep in line, then we would be first to get in in the morning. Ed was drunk enough to agree to this and we headed to the Vatican. Once there, and completely drunk at this point, I had the brilliant idea to jump the Vatican fence in order to take some pictures. About 2 minutes after jumping the fence I heard Ed yelling at me. Evidently the Swiss Guard had noticed me and were coming to get me. I have been told since then that the Swiss Guard is the most lethal force on the planet, thank god I didn’t know this at the time or I might have pissed myself. They were dressed in sissy looking outfits so I didn’t take them seriously. They began to yell at me in Italian and I couldn’t understand anything they were saying. I climbed back over the fence and played the stupid American card while constantly holding up my camera saying “picture, picture”. How I got out of there without being arrested I have no idea.

Ed, for obvious reasons, was laughing his ass of telling me how much of an idiot I was. We headed towards what we thought was the direction of the main entrance. Now if you haven’t been there Vatican City is surrounded by a huge wall. Being drunk, and not seeing any signs we continued walking along this wall for what seemed like eternity. The next thing I know I look over and Ed is laying in the middle of the street doing snow angles and rambling incoherently about the cosmos. I decide I need to pee and proceed to piss on the Vatican wall, yes the Vatican wall. I turn back and try to understand what he is saying, realizing the hilarity that is in front of me I turn on the camera and start recording his drunken stupor. If I can get the video on this site then I will. The last thing I remember is slapping Ed and us having a shouting match in the middle of the street. He ended up leaving, how he got home I have no idea, and I headed to the entrance.

I woke up with a crowd already behind me and a smile on my face. I did it, I was first in line. Everyone behind me had name tags and I couldn’t find out why. About 20 minutes later the doors open and I walked in. “What group are you with sir?” Umm, I am by myself I responded. “Well sir, that is the group line, if your not with a group you have to wait in the regular line.” In my drunken state I had fell asleep in the front of the group line like an idiot. I had to go to the back of the regular line, which was already a 2 hour wait, and wait there. The poor people all around, I was still drunk, smelled like shit, was sweating booze, and was making all kinds of strange noises as my body felt like shit. Somehow I made it through and it really is beautiful. However, after that night I have no desire to go to Rome, or Vatican City ever again.

…

Welcome

Oh the wonderful world of blogging, so happy am I to join this joyous land. We are entering my favorite time of the year: favorite holiday – St Patties Day, favorite sporting event – March Madness, 2nd favorite sporting event- NBA Playoffs, and of course the start of Summer. Luckily for me this year I don’t have a job so I can fully enjoy all of these event without the need to make up fake diseases or “accidents” to family members to get out of work.

Both march madness and the NBA playoffs should be great this year. With the rise of mid majors, and all of the powerhouse schools having good seasons, there should be a plethora of great games. In the NBA things out west are going crazy and I can’t wait till May. Maybe its because my beloved Lakers are in contention again but honestly I am looking forward to the western conference playoffs almost more then march madness. While no sporting event can rival the awesomeness of a loss and your out tournament I can’t help but think how amazing it will be watching the best player in the world battle the rest of the west. Come on Tim Duncan, Chris Paul, Shaq, Nash, Dirk, Mcgrady, Boozer, Baron, the matchups are all going to be sick. I hope Denver makes it in just so I can add two more names to that list. However, I don’t see how anyone, less San Antonio, will stop Kobe with a healthy Pau and Bynum.

Ok thats about it for now, I will try to keep this up as often as possible. I will finish with a funny story from last weekend. (Names will be change to protect those involved). The Sandbaggers crew, who this blog is named after and who im sure will be explained more later in this blog, were having a reunion of sorts due to everyone of us being in town. IE we all got really shit faced and probably were on our way to getting kicked out of a few bars. We were taking to cars and the two soberest people were asked to drive. Me not being one of them for obvious reasons choose to ride down with Frank in the first car. After pounding a beer I poured a roadie into a plastic cup and got in the car. The drive was about 30 minutes, but after finishing my beer I quickly realized I wasnt going to make it without a pee break. Just for explanation purposes I have the bladder of a two year old when I drink, honestly if they made depends that were fashionable I would be all about it. Well not wanting to pull over I quickly thought of the great idea of peeing in the cup. Knowing full well that Frank was used to this debauchery I proceeded to unzip and fire. Soon I felt the warmness only pee creates filling up the cup. Seeing that I wasnt going to make it with only one cup I did what anyone would do and pinched it off. In case you have never done this, or you have a vagina, the process involves pinching off your penis to stop the flow of urine. It is a painful operation and can’t be done for long. With no where else to put the pee I rolled down the window. Not wanting to spill beer all over Frank’s car I slowly moved the cup out of the window to where I could poor it out. I learned a major lesson that night. A full cup of pee plus high speed winds equals piss all over your face. Seeing the look on Frank’s face was priceless. Here I am sitting in his car one hand pinching off my dick the other holding a now less then full cup of beer out the window with beads of piss running down my face. If thats not a sight for sore eyes I don’t know what is. Anyways I learned a valuable lesson that night and wanted to share it with you, throw the pee out fast, and preferably aim for a car next to you on the freeway.

Till next time…